


Inside of Me

by BeccaAnne814



Series: Bucky Barnes x Reader Oneshots [14]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Cussing, F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:56:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccaAnne814/pseuds/BeccaAnne814
Summary: On your wedding anniversary, you reflect on your relationship with Bucky.  Is love truly enough to keep two people together?





	Inside of Me

**Author's Note:**

> _I recognize that Marvel has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it.  That being said, this story does contain some **Infinity War spoilers**.  However, in my story, the ending of Infinity War never happened and we're moving right along with the way things should've played out.  The best thing about fanfiction is that we can change the plot to suit our needs, so enjoy!_
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> _This story is for Bionic-BuckyB's 8K Angst Writing Challenge on Tumblr and is inspired by 3 Doors Down's song_ Inside of Me.  _The prompt will be in bold print._  

When she opened the door of the apartment she shared with Bucky, she knew without even stepping in that he wasn't there.  She couldn't explain how she knew, but there was just something empty and hollow about the atmosphere when he was gone. 

With her arms loaded down with brown paper bags from the grocery store, she tossed her keys toward the small bowl on the table beside the door.  When they missed and clattered to the floor, she whispered a curse and shook her head.  She paused for a moment to close her eyes and take a deep breath.  She was not going to assume the worst, she was going to ignore this minor setback and continue on like everything was okay – even though she knew it wasn't

As she walked into the kitchen and placed the bags on the counter, she avoided looking at the refrigerator.  Bucky would always leave a note for her if he knew he wouldn't be there by the time she got home from work.  In the first few years of their marriage, it had been sweet and she'd looked forward to reading his notes.  Now, however, the notes had become nothing more than thinly veiled excuses.  They were both aware that she knew exactly where he was, what he was doing, and especially who he was with. 

Steeling her nerves, she finally turned and looked toward the appliance she'd come to hate over the years.  When she saw the bare stainless steel staring back at her, her heart seized up in her chest.  Had it come to this already?  Was she not even worth a hastily scribbled lie anymore?

Pushing back the tears, she squared her shoulders and began the task of unpacking the groceries.  She knew if she didn't keep herself busy, she'd break down completely.  She hated crying in front of him.  He'd pull her into his arms and apologize over and over again as he begged her to give him one more chance.  And she would.  She'd given him so many chances over the years, but every time they started over, he would fall back into his old habits and she'd be disappointed all over again.

As she pulled her old cast iron skillet from the cabinet beside the stove, she slammed it down on the countertop.  Damn him for doing this to her again, and damn him for choosing today of all days.  What did it say about their marriage that he didn't even have the decency to be home on their anniversary?

Even though she wanted to hate him right now, she still took care in preparing his favorite meal.  It was a tradition they'd started the first year they'd been married, and even through the ups and downs of their relationship, this day had always been special to them.  This was the one day of the year she could fool herself into believing that her love for him was enough.

She'd tried turning on some music while she cooked, but she found herself muting it every time she thought she heard someone in the hallway.  Eventually she gave up and turned it off completely.  She wanted to be prepared for when he came through the door – not that she planned to confront him about his lies – but she wanted to be able to mask her true feelings from him.

Without the music to distract her, she kept glancing at the clock.  With each passing minute, the knot in her stomach grew tighter.  What if he wasn't coming home this time?  What if he'd finally grown tired of pretending that their life together could ever fulfill him?  What if he'd finally chosen his secret rendezvous over her, and he didn't have the courage to tell her to her face?

She went about the motions of setting the table with the linen table cloth Wanda had given them as a wedding present.  As she smoothed out the wrinkles, and placed the exquisitely cut crystal candle holders Natasha had given them, she struggled to keep her hands from shaking.  With a quick glance over her shoulder, she saw that it was five minutes to seven.  It was time.

For as long as they'd lived in the apartment, Bucky had always sat in the chair in the corner of the eat-in kitchen.  As a former agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., she'd been trained to always keep the exits in her line of sight.  But Bucky's training was more extensive than hers, so she'd deferred to him and had learned to trust that he would always have her back.  Right now, though, she couldn't bring herself to sit in her normal seat.

It was a strange sensation to sit in a chair she'd never sat in, and she spent a few moments looking around their home from this perspective.  As her gaze traveled over the familiar furniture and photos scattered around the space, her eyes finally came to rest on the green numbers of the digital clock on the stove.

7:04 pm.

She hadn't truly believed that he wouldn't make it in time, but now there was no doubt in her mind. 

He wasn't coming.

With tears swimming in her eyes, she let out a shaky sigh.  She'd just have to start without him.

That first anniversary, she'd fixed this exact meal for him and when she'd finally sat down to eat, he'd noticed the time on the stove.  7:04 pm.  It wouldn't mean much to most people, but they'd developed a game over the years.  Whenever the time on the clock represented an important day in their history, they'd remind the other one with a kiss.  Time always went chronologically, but their history was spread out over two years, so it was a jumbled mess when they played this game on their anniversary.  That had turned out to be half the fun of it.

7:04 pm.

July 4th, 2018.

The day he'd proposed.

She hadn't been expecting it, especially not at Steve's one hundredth birthday party.  It had only been a few weeks since they'd defeated Thanos and saved the universe, but everyone was eager to find a reason to celebrate.  Bucky had pulled her off to the side and told her all the things she'd ever wanted to hear from the man she'd loved.  Without any hesitation, she'd said yes.  Steve had been thrilled that two people he cared about had found love, and he'd been more than willing to share the limelight with them as more champagne had been poured once everyone heard the happy news.

Since that first anniversary, they'd made it a point to sit down for dinner at 7:04 pm.  No matter what had happened in the days prior, they always told one another what they loved about the other.  It was almost like they were renewing their vows every year.

7:14 pm.

July 14, 2016.

The day Shuri had finally woken him up from cryogenic sleep to remove the trigger words from his mind. 

She'd gone on the run with Steve, Wanda, Natasha, and Sam after the debacle following the Sokovia Accords, but she hadn't regretted it.  She'd believed in what they were doing, but she couldn't deny the hardships they faced as they struggled to stay off of the radar of anyone that was against them.  Steve had kept in contact with the team in Wakanda, and had jumped at the opportunity to Skype with his best friend. 

The small, cramped apartment they were all sharing in Kiev didn't allow for much privacy, so they'd all been able to see and hear everything Steve and Bucky had said to one another.  She'd been unable to tear her eyes away from him as she furtively watched the screen from over Steve's shoulder.  Bucky's eyes had been so haunted in Germany, but now she felt like she was finally seeing the man Steve had been telling her about for years.  There was a light in his eyes that hadn't been there before and she could tell that his demons were finally quietened.

Unable to hold back the tears any longer, she finally let them stream down her face.  Five years ago today, she'd believed him when he told her that no one would ever mean more to him than she did.  Five years ago today, she'd given up the life she'd known to make a new one with him.  Now, here she sat five years later, wondering if it had been worth it.

8:11 pm.

August 11, 2018.

The day they'd been married. 

Bucky hadn't wanted to wait too long to finally make her his wife, and she was just as eager as he'd been.  Just a little over five weeks after he'd proposed, all of their friends had gathered back together to witness her and Bucky exchanging vows to love, honor, and cherish one another for the rest of their lives.

By this time on their anniversary, dinner was over and the kitchen had been cleaned up.  They'd move into the living room and play the song they'd danced to at their wedding.  Bucky loved to dance, and she loved the feeling of being in his arms.

She could hear the lyrics of the song repeating over and over again in her mind and she laughed bitterly.  The song they'd chosen had spoke of an everlasting love, but the fact that she was spending their anniversary alone spoke otherwise.

9:30 pm.

September 30, 2017.

The day she'd finally gotten to see him for the first time since they'd been on the run. 

She and Bucky had been Skyping for over a year, but Steve hadn't wanted to risk taking more than one person into Wakanda, so he'd gone to see Bucky on his own the first few times he'd snuck into the country.  Bucky had eventually asked Steve to bring her along, and Steve had reluctantly agreed.  Steve knew they'd grown close during that year, and he couldn't deny his oldest friend a chance for happiness.  Bucky had been self-conscious about only having one arm, but once they were alone, she'd made sure that he knew it wasn't an issue for her. 

They hadn't been able to get enough of one another, much to Shuri's amusement.  The teenager had teased Bucky unmercifully, and he'd just rolled his eyes and let her have her fun.  He'd grown to love the people of Wakanda and it was apparent that they thought highly of him as well.

When it grew close to 9:30, Bucky would turn off the music and lead her back to the bedroom.  It had been over five years since that first time, but they still found they couldn't get enough of one another.

It had started to grow dark in the apartment while she'd waited to see if he would come home.  The food before her had long grown cold, but she couldn't find the energy to throw it away.  Instead, she continued to sit in his chair and stare at the clock on the stove as the candles began to sputter and die in the expensive Swarovski holders.

10:26 pm.

October 26, 2016.

The first time she'd actually talked to him by herself. 

Steve and Wanda had gone for supplies and Sam and Nat were scouting out a new city for them to move to.  They'd left Kiev weeks ago for Riga, but Steve was convinced that they weren't safe there either.  She'd been left to guard the fort, so to speak, so when Steve's phone had lit up with an incoming Skype notification, she jumped at the opportunity to talk to Bucky alone. 

He'd been disappointed that she hadn't been Steve, but she'd convinced him that Steve would be back any moment, so he agreed to stay on the line with her.  They'd talked about nothing, and even to this day, she couldn't remember a single word of that conversation, but it had been everything to her at the time.

They never stressed about remembering to notice this time on the clock, especially if they were still reenacting the events of the previous milestone, but when they did, they would lie in one another's arms and talk.  They'd fallen in love with each other through their conversations, and Bucky was still the one person she wanted to share her every thought with. 

She'd thought he'd felt the same way about her, but with every minute that passed, she realized that he would never love her the way she loved him. 

The apartment was pitch black.  The clock on the stove gave off a weak, green glow that didn't quite reach across the room to where she sat, but she didn't care.  She knew she should get up and go to bed, but she knew the minute she stood up, she would be giving up all hope.  Not only would she be giving up on the hope he'd come home, but she'd also be giving up hope for their marriage, and she just couldn't stomach the thought.

That's how he found her when he finally eased open the door just past midnight.  His eyes were accustomed to the dark, so he'd spotted her sitting in his chair at the table the moment he stepped across the threshold.

The vacant look in her eyes worried him, and he thought for a moment something horrible had happened to her.  He started across the room, but then he noticed the table and he drew up short.  With a softly muttered curse, he remembered that yesterday had been their anniversary.  He'd always tried to make sure he was there for her on the important days, but he'd been distracted yesterday and he'd forgotten.

He started to speak, but there were no words.  What could he possibly say to make up for this?  What could he offer her other than lies and empty promises?  He loved her, he really did, but he just couldn't be the man she needed him to be.  In her defense, she'd never asked him to be that man.  No, he'd readily volunteered to take on the life he'd thought he'd wanted, but he just wasn't cut out to work a nine to five job and move to the suburbs.  Her disappointment in him was completely his fault, but he loved her too much to let her go, so he selfishly held onto her while simultaneously sneaking off to do the things he'd promised her he'd give up.

"It would be a waste of my time to ask you where you've been, wouldn't it?" she asked.  The voice coming out of her mouth sounded alien even to her.  There was no emotion in her words, and she could tell from the slump of his shoulders that he'd noticed it as well.

"I've tried," he offered lamely.  "You know I've tried."

"It wasn't my idea," she reminded him as she continued to sit, grateful for the table between them.  She knew if there were no obstacles between them, she'd most likely let him sweet talk her back into his arms and in a few weeks she'd be right back where she was right now.  "You're the one who made that decision."

He let out a breath and hung his head, too ashamed to meet her eyes anymore.  "I thought I could do it, but. . ."

She held up a hand as she interrupted him.  "I don't want to hear anymore excuses.  I've turned a blind eye for years, but I can't do it any longer.  This marriage isn't big enough for the three of us.  I'd ask you to choose, but I know I wouldn't be the one you'd pick."

"YN," he said, knowing that he needed to act quickly or he'd live to regret this day for the rest of his life.

" **I'm just tired** ," she said, interrupting him again as she finally rose from the chair she'd sat in for the past five hours.

" **That's understandable** ," he told her as he started to gather the dishes from the table.  " **Go and sleep.  I'll sort everything out**."

"No, Bucky," she whispered, causing him to turn back around and look at her with a confused expression on his face.  "I'm tired of living like this, and I don't think I can do it anymore."

The dishes crashed into the sink as he quickly dropped them and raced to her side.  "Please don't do this, doll.  Tell me what you want me do – I'll do anything."

She closed her eyes when she heard the all-too-familiar pet name roll off of his lips.  There was a time she'd loved being called "doll," but now it made her skin crawl.  It was just another reminder of the way things used to be, and she knew if she let down her guard, he'd sweet-talk her into forgetting the problem that was slowly eating away at their marriage.

"It's over, Bucky," she told him as she took a step away from him.

He shook his head, refusing to accept her words.  "I can stop.  I promise, this is the last time I'll. . ."

"Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?" she asked, interrupting him again.

"YN."

"He's your best friend, Bucky.  Hell, he's one of my best friends, but that doesn't change the fact that you choose him over me every single time."  She buried her face in her hands, and as she looked back up at him, she pressed her fingers to her eyes to wipe away the tears.  "You told me that you didn't want to fight anymore.  You told me that you were finished putting your life on the line for a world that wanted see you rot in a cage for the rest of your life."

"I know I did, doll.  But Steve needs me."

"I _need_ you, Bucky," she all but screamed, the tears finally refusing to be held back any longer as they began to stream down her cheeks.

She made a noise of protest as he pulled her into his arms, but with one hand on the back of her head, he pulled her close to him and quietly murmured soothing words.  He could feel the sobs racking her body as he held her, and he couldn't stop the tears that flowed freely from his own eyes.  Quietly whispering in her ear, he made the same promises he made every time.  "This is the last time, doll.  I won't go on another mission with Steve.  I promise that I'll be here for you from now on."

She listened to the assurances that he'd told her a thousand times, and although she knew she should push him away, she couldn't.  She let the words wash over her, and against her better judgement, she allowed herself to believe them yet again.  She knew he'd never be able to keep his promises to her, but the longer he held her in his arms, the longer she was able pretend that his love was enough – at least until the next mission.

 

With a small duffle of necessities in her hand, she looked over her shoulder at her husband still asleep in their bed.  A tear rolled down her cheek as she quietly shut the door and walked down the hallway.  She paused as she noticed the time on the stove.

8:12 am.

August 12, 2023.

The day she finally found the courage inside of herself to walk away from the man she loved.

**Author's Note:**

> _Thank you for reading this story!  I‘d like to say that I hope you enjoyed it, but this was written for an angst challenge and my heart was breaking as I wrote it!  How many of you play the clock game? Maybe it’s just me, but I always seem to look at the clock at just the right time to remember important dates. How do you feel about her decision? Do you think it’s for the best? As much as I love Bucky, I know that Steve will always come first in his life. I look forward to your comments!_


End file.
